My Third Trip Around the Sobriety Sun: What May Seem Like an Epic Fail is Really a Monumental Achievement
February 20, 2022, marked the first day of my sobriety journey. If I had been in my right mind, I would have waited two days… ha! But when you wake up one morning after contemplating it for YEARS, you go with it.
Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash
The Early Years
I grew up in a sober household. Though my parents occasionally drank at parties, it was few and far between. Alcohol was presented as the devil without much explanation, and I thought it was just the “Fun Police” raining on another teenage/young adult parade. As the youth do: I just rolled my eyes and moved along.
The Resort Town Life
Post-college, I moved to a resort town where the liquor industry thrived. Working at a casino, you could easily pay for a house and send your kid to college with the tips you made. I had my days free to explore all Tahoe had to offer and could party easily after work, taking a cab home.
Photo by Michal Soukup on Unsplash
The Insidious Nature of Alcohol
As with alcohol’s insidious nature, it wasn’t a problem at first. I was young, could bounce back easily, and maintained my bills and life management. But as time went on, blackouts started happening with a wink and a nod, treated as humorous overindulgence.
I was lucky to have friends looking out for me and stuck firmly to my motto: “Condoms and cabs.” This would alleviate any extenuating circumstance of the unwanted variety. And I stuck hard and fast to this rule.
The Descent
Then came the times I thought I was “fine” to drive… The shame and dread of what “could have” happened loomed over me like a heavy dark cloud, ready at any moment to release its fury.
So, I’d drink again to numb these feelings. The cycle of alcohol abuse began, and soon, the mornings I’d wake up promising not to drink inevitably ended with a drink in hand.
The Professional Spiral
My career progressed to “better” bars and eventually to selling liquor. “Atta boys” came in the form of bottles. Wine tasting in the middle of the day became normal — after all, it was “education,” right?
I even got my WSET II certification and planned to take classes to be eligible for WSET III. After 25 years in the spirits industry, I really thought this was my PATH.
The Covid Breaking Point
During Covid, everything fell apart. If I was hanging by a thread before, Covid kicked me right over the edge. Our resort town was flooded with visitors when everyone was supposed to be sheltering in place. The stress became unbearable, culminating in a near-miss car accident (driving for work-sober- I had just pulled off to use the restroom) that led to a three-month leave of absence before I finally quit.
If only I could just drink like a “normal” person. I kept trying.
I kept failing.
The thing they don’t tell you, is some of us are wired differently… In movies and television, you drink to cope, you drink to celebrate, you drink when there’s an awkward moment.
And they don’t show the ugly side of alcohol. The sadness, regret, the shame, the anxiety, the guilt. The wanting to be “normal” and the real fact is…I am not equipped with an “off” button.
A good majority of us are predisposed to not be able to handle alcohol. Why, almost 30 million in this country alone are in recovery. [And these are the ones that are able to admit it.]
Probably why without explanation, it was forbidden in our household. I mean, how many of us have lineages that have been corroded with this caustic stuff?
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
The Turn Toward Recovery
Lucky for me, I started getting really honest about my problem. My doctor prescribed medications for detox, but after countless attempts to quit on my own, I finally had a good talk with myself: I may need professional help.
When that February morning came, my brain said, “No more,” and I made the call to an IOP (Intensive Outpatient) program.
I will eternally be thankful for this moment. It was a true gift and finally a moment of clarity, that this-was-not-working.
The New Reality
Sparing the details: The first six months were HARD. I hunkered down, followed every instruction, and yes, I hibernated a lot. But here I am at 3 years without alcohol in my life, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I’ve reconnected with myself, living more authentically than ever before, and returned to what I do best — writing.
Forever grateful for my partner, in urging me to do so and standing by my side for this not-so-pleasant journey.
The Gifts of Sobriety
Today, clarity is something I cherish after lacking it for years. I trust my gut and sit with my feelings — for better or worse.
I have a strong group of women I meet with weekly, a daily meditation practice that has helped my squirrel brain immensely, and I’m never too hungover to go to the gym. I’m the strongest I’ve ever been, both physically and mentally.
I’ve made sober friends, or friends who are willing to support me in a sober capacity, and the world has certainly taken on a rosier hue.
Photo by Katarzyna Grabowska on Unsplash
The Final Truth
See it how you want to see it… It is sad. It is shameful. It’s not my fault (how my brain is wired), but it’s my responsibility.
And for that, I take full responsibility for my actions in this predicament, while standing proud knowing I am also responsible for taking my life path in a totally different, healthy direction.
Hip Hip Hooray for THREE years!
. . .
Questions? Comments? Suggestions?
Have you been on the societal “alcohol is used for everything” loop? The cycle that you can’t quite get a hold of? Where the (as the casinos say) “Fun Stops.” Trust me, I’ve been there…
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